I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
What a dumb baby whore.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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