I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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