My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
