I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
