You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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