For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
