tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
