fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
