Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
