Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
