i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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