she woke up with a sticky ear
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Randomize
