I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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