then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
there is glitter all over my balls
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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