Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
