Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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