I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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