she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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