Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Randomize
