I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
