you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
