those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
