tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Randomize
