Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
