remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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