I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
