First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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