I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
