You really coming over, don't trick.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
