Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
