Your face is a jimmy john
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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