I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
