my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
