Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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