Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize