Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
