Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
