i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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