boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
