I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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