new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
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