That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
