I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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