You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
