This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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