i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
