Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
