She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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