I will die if light touches me.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Randomize
