Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
