I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
