the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Randomize
