I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Randomize
